Miracles 2013

This is it.

I have had plenty of time to make sense of things that happened to me recently. And today I find myself sitting down at my cozy home, typing my blog post while listening to Chopin, after a long day commute to Sydney to see a travel doctor. Yes, I am going to travel again, overseas.

Looking backward and connecting the dots, I realise that it is a fact that miracles happen. Whether they are the results of my renewed perspectives or persistence, or an act of god, it does not matter at all to me now. I am a result-oriented person, so I do care about the result. See, there is a stark difference here: when we focus too intense on the process we tend to lose our perspectives beyond the horizon. And we pool our energy to improve or rectify the process, making friends and foes — sometimes without being flexible to allow external pressures to interfere with the process and turn the pressures into advantages to help us fulfilling our purposes. I was the one who really cared about the process without realising from early on that there are successes and failures during the process, until I came to believe that I did not have enough reason to continue living due to constant failures. That was the un-enlightened me. The process, as I believe it now, is not the destination.

So I was an inch away from taking my life, during one of those hot summer days in mid January. Something really happened that stripped away our (I+husband) pride, our initial hope and our belief that we were able to make it big in Australia (read: to be able to settle down and live happily). There were events that we did not anticipate earlier, and we were reaching our wits’ end. I have been looking high and low for job in Australia, and found that just as the clock struck midnight and 2013 came in, the country is taking a nosedive into recession. People lose their jobs everywhere and companies are closing down. Seriously I have never seen something like this or felt the impact of a recession. The fact that people can survive without job is because Australia is a welfare country, so the unemployed gets government support. What made me stay alive amid the huge frustration? A faint belief that there must be an end to it so I was determined to wait until the end. If at the end I was supposed to die, I was prepared anyway. So why not stay around for awhile?

I wrote last year that I went on a training to get back to humanitarian work. On 11 January (note the date :-)) I sent my CV to the nonprofit organisation here in Victoria where I am currently listed as a standby register for emergency operations worldwide. Within hours, they decided to send my CV to their partner agency, a United Nations office in the Philippines. On 24 January, I received confirmation of my deployment to the Philippines for the next six months. I didn’t know why it took more than two weeks to decide on my appointment, as the organisation said, this UN office was usually quick in making decision. Later I found out that the UN office called my former boss in Geneva, who gave a positive referral for me. How’s that for a miracle? There are few things that I could not control, like the outcome of my application, but I followed the process religiously though. They say, luck is when preparation meets opportunity — believe me, I do prepare well for this; including attending some trainings and following a lot of protocols. Most notably, I volunteer with this UN office a long time ago for a good 18 months whereby I didn’t receive any salary or allowance or status or whatever. Now probably someone with a kind heart thinks it’s time to pay me back, in a truly positive sense. And this help really comes at the crucial time when we need it the most. It was a relief and at the same time, renewed my belief, that faith is like an anchor to my soul — it keeps me steady when the water gets rough and the circumstances change. As at today, I see that everything about this work and my trip just fall nicely into places.

So I will always remember to have faith in the good things that comes out of every bad situation. Have faith in someone who is doing something good for me. Have faith that the Universe is taking care of its own affairs, and mine too. Have faith that there must be an end to every circumstance though the journey/process may not be easy.

As a reward for my persistence and a successful outcome, my husband bought me an LG Nexus 4 smartphone! I am still in the honeymoon period with my Nexus 4. I am “shaping” the phone to become a tool that will help me with my daily activities. This is my first Android smartphone, before this I was using an old Nokia that can do basic things. Now that I am back to a mobile life, I need something more powerful to organise my daily life, and assist me in my work. I never cease to be amazed by people who spend a lot of money for the latest smartphones, but only use maybe less than 50% of their functionalities to support their lives (most common activities included making phone calls, sending messages, Internet browsing, social media interactions). I need a portable (and reliable hopefully) personal assistant, that’s why I get myself a smartphone. In fact, the phone can also talk back to me (it has the voice function that allows me to give order, including typing messages etc). And I think I made the right choice, at this moment, with my current circumstances.

BOOYAH!

Use the brain

I am spending days marvelling at my strong will to live. As I am listening to Chopin’s classical masterpiece I recall one counselling session when Dr T said she was impressed with me. She said I was strongly motivated to seek the answers to improve my situations, instead of spending the whole day on the bed and giving in to depression. I thought I would also feel the same if I saw someone who was in despair but gave himself/herself a chance to look for solutions until s/he finds one, instead of giving up and kick the bucket. From our conversation, Dr T seemed to conclude that somehow I myself could muster my willpower to live, particularly by using my intelligence. The best thing she had ever done in her capacity as a professional psychologist was teaching me how to push the right button, at the right time.

Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

At this moment, I have never felt this stable inside myself despite the happy and sad happenings in my surroundings. I had scores of bad days and destructive thoughts but I let them go fast like frost crystals melting under the warm morning sun. The main thing I can remember is my daily wish to see miracles. They happen and I experienced lots of pleasant surprises almost on a daily basis. I am building up my enthusiasm about something. I’ll tell you when it happens.

Short-lived

I was sulking over my life situation as the cold morning grew into a warm sunny midday. The gloomy feeling wiggled cautiously on the surface of my skin, just like the frosts that were hanging on the tips of the grass, awaiting the moment they would slip away to the ground at first contact with the sun. In the background, Richard Clayderman was playing sweet songs on his piano. I was looking for hope amid the junkyard of thoughts. Hope was never there to be found. My heart was aching.

Until I saw the news. A former uni classmate’s husband passed away yesterday. How sad. Terrible indeed. He must be more or less of the same age as me. They have a three-year old son. I saw a lot of condolence messages on “M”‘s Facebook wall. That’s how we all learned about the demise anyway, since we are all scattered around the world. No words yet on what happened. Someone put few pictures of family members gathering at “M”‘s house on the late hubby’s Facebook wall — they must be somewhere in Jakarta. Why post condolence messages on the FB wall of someone who will not be able to read it anymore? This logic eludes me. If you want to post an eulogy or just bid adieu to the deceased, please do it on your wall and not on someone else’s tombstone. Anyway, “M” was not in any of the pictures. I’m not that close to her, she was in a different class from me during our undergraduate years. But I posted some words of comfort on her wall, not her deceased husband’s wall.

If I had the world in my hand, the gifts containing the dreams and wishes I had since I had not been born were presented in front of my eyes, but I only had 1 hour to live, what will I do? Am I going to be happy because all my dreams and wishes have come true though in such a short time? Am I going to curse God or other creatures for not being able to enjoy my life? Am I going to feel contented? What about my soulmate? When are we going to enjoy my gifts? And a whole bunch of questions, and regrets. Before I realised it, the precious one hour was entering its last few seconds while I was still cursing and thinking how unfortunate I was … Was it or wasn’t it the best moment of my life?

Is it worth my time and effort to even sulking and weeping over things that don’t happen or had happened? Imaginary things, events or people that have been feeding my anxiety and frustration, ruining my day? Have I had enough courage to let things go, stand up on my feet and live the moment?

I do believe that I am the one who decide on how things should and must end. I write my own life chapter. I will have the best laugh at last.

Our time

We always have choices. (Photo credit: Salvatore Vuono/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.
~ Lao Tzu ~

I am calling it a day

Almost a year has passed since I wrote my last post 🙂

A couple of nights ago I was browsing my Friends List on Facebook when I came across a former colleague who recently earned her Master’s from Cambridge University in the UK. I was curious and wanted to know how a Cambridge graduate does after returning to Indonesia. I stumbled upon her personal blog and read several posts that she wrote before and after her life in the UK. There was one recent post that struck my soul because it was so beautifully written. It uncovered her deepest and loving reflection about her deceased mother. It was not styled like a creative writer’s piece but obviously showed her emotions, maturity and the influence of academic drill and cultural blends on her personality and work. This particular piece had somewhat encouraged me to write again …

Many things happened during these past few months. First of all, I have graduated from my study. Yes, I made it, and I’m so proud of my achievement. But that doesn’t compare to my self-discovery from long and painful soul-searching. At the end of my desperation, instead of doing something that could prompt me to take my own life, I chose to take the high road. I went to see a psychologist. We had four sessions where several times I would burst into tears for no apparent reason, at least to me. We set the goals for the counselling and strangely enough even in the second session I felt I had changed internally. She gave me some e-learning materials to train myself to be my own coach — that’s the most important thing as I don’t plan to see a psychologist or therapist for the rest of my life. Towards the end of the fourth session I saw myself differently, and I had developed strong beliefs, including that the way forward is the best option. I have control over what I want to think and how I respond to others. I discover my power 🙂

This might be my last post on this blog as I plan to start a new one. I’m still thinking through it as I don’t easily open up to people. A few weeks ago I sent a short email to my counsellor about an event. I never got her reply back but when I met her the following week, she said, “I love your email” over and over again. She said the email was full of this (positive, good, strong) energy of the kind that she wanted to see it in me. Well, I’m doing it now Ma’am and thanks for your compliment to my writing skill.

Until next time.

Have faith in life

Two months had passed unnoticed since I wrote my last post. I have completed my second semester at uni, and several months of work. I have been having these disturbing thoughts about the future that I am on the edge of frustration. Out of the blue I remember our family friend, “W” of Germany. Suddenly I missed this man so badly; I missed the moment when the three of us – myself, my husband, and him – talked in a bar in Yangon, heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul. It was 2009, and since then I had experienced a drastic change of life. I just wanted to hear someone said not to worry about things but have faith in life, in the good things that are coming my way …

One of our friends is sort of “evicted” this evening from the house they are renting now because it was sold to somebody else. I felt so sad for him and his family, I am wondering what will happen to their three kids. Within a month there will be long Christmas break until end of January 2012, and again I felt sad to see the kids had to move house and live somewhere else. Or perhaps they will have to move their schools too, getting new friends, new environment …

Anyway, I guess it’s a reminder to say my gratitude for what I have and what I am now, instead of thinking about things I have no control of such as the future.

Death Matters (3)

I just learned about the demise of a former high school friend’s wife in Indonesia. She lost the fight against an ovarian cancer on 4 June. I felt sad as I and the husband used to be in the same class during our senior years, sitting close to each other. Even in the announcement that was sent by another friend, we were directed to his close friend, who used to share the same table in the class, for more information. I joined other former classmates — who are now scattered all over the world — pouring condolence messages on his Facebook page. She was 40 years old, and is survived by her husband, two teenage daughters and a son.

As for me, learning about the death of a former classmate or his/her family members always alert me that we are really getting older each day. It’s like waking up to a loud bang to find out that it’s time to seal another treasure trove of memories of growing up with the friend, in certain places, at certain times. It’s like yesterday we were still teasing each other and cheating together in a test, and today s/he is gone forever while leave me wondering how to fill that blank space s/he created in my memory.

Strangely this kind of sad news always seem to throw some light on the dark corner in my mind where stupidity and ignorance reign. It’s like the Universe is trying to wake me up from a nightmarish life full of anger and disappointment. I sort of realise that whatever bother my mind today will lost their meaning upon my passing: my dreams, my wishes, my intentions, my anxieties, my anger, my disappointment … Suddenly every breath feels so precious and every second spent with my loved ones worth the world. I would not wear the most expensive jewelries or my best suit to meet my Maker, but I would carry with me those great memories of love, friendships, and happiness of living a full life. And with such realisation, I am suddenly grateful that I am still alive, and be able to love and to be loved, and to learn.

Mind Program (7)

The sound of silence,
struck me like lightning,
blew the steams of illusions,
off my troubled mind.

Sleep Rituals

Last night I watched Mirage (2004), a Macedonian film about a boy’s transition from childhood to adolescent in post-independence Macedonia. The movie was kind of depressing, and one of the main themes was unfulfilled hope. The message is that hope is just an illusion, or a mirage, for those who don’t know how and have the courage to act on it. The protagonist, a 13-year-old boy called Marko, was a talented schoolboy who was looking for a role model during his transformation into adulthood against the backdrop of a lethargic and corrupt society. But he was too naive and feeble to be able to find the way out of his situation and to act on it. He put his hope on his talent and on a promise by his friend to take him out of his hometown, but whoever worked on it with him eventually betrayed him.

His situation was too damning that a divine intervention of any kind would likely be futile. The story made me sad, and start to understand that for some people there’s no point in having hope or faith in life. I must admit the movie must have been well-made that it managed to consume my thought and emotion. Consequently, I wake up dreary and dispirited this morning. So the lesson is, never watch a movie or read articles/ books about or contains negative outlooks towards life, particularly before going to bed.

Rambling Thoughts (3)

Perhaps these changes are bound to happen, sooner or later.

Instead of being discouraged by the prospect of uncertain future, I feel my confidence is rising up. Like a mythical phoenix, who reduced itself to ash to be reborn and live longer.

I realise I am not who I was: who hated herself to death … and did not spare a ground in her heart for love to grow and bloom.

Help us breeze past this bumpy road and avoid the potholes, to our next destination. Maybe someone would come to patch the road, or reconstruct it into a highway. Or maybe there would be pleasant surprises at the next turn. For as long as I am still walking, I am still growing.

And so I said my prayer.

Don’t Stop Believin’

Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to the feelin’
Streetlights people
— Journey, Don’t Stop Believin’, Escape.

I heard Journey’s 1981 song a few days ago on my car radio. I did not know the name of the song or the singer, but yesterday I suddenly wished I could hear this song again as I needed a sudden boost of energy in otherwise a very ordinary, normal life. Then, like magic, this morning I heard this song again on Glee cast video on cable TV.

Someone has been telling me not to stop believing.

Once in a while I sobbed and shed tears, but on the contrary I felt my heart rejoiced wholeheartedly. I feared the future — something that have not even happened — and had these bad thoughts that made me feeling so hollow inside. I lost track of where I was going to. I began to see and believe things like failure and self-rejection, which did not physically exist, but only present somewhere in the sinister part of my mind — the dark side of the mind which always try to take over my conscience whenever the momentum avails itself. My eyes saw doors were being slammed in front of them, while my mind’s eyes saw through the doors all the way to the horizon and beyond. How miserable my life was. I was more quiet and have been losing lots of hours of sleep.

Don’t stop believing, please. Something great is coming my way — it’s just I haven’t seen it now.

The Journey

We spent two days driving for approx. 4 hours from Suva to Nadi along a dark, lonely road across half of Fiji Islands on Tuesday night and another 4 hours flight from Nadi to Sydney on Wednesday morning … all resulted in exhaustion and for me, anxiety. In the evening after we settled down at the hotel, I suddenly had breath shortness and my stomach (and my mind) started acting funny. It’s chilly here in Sydney, the night temperature fell below 10 degree Celsius. Taking a hot shower really helped to rejuvenate the body and refresh the soul. And to think that our future home might be located in an area surrounded by hills, thick forest, lake, rivers and oceans brought the peace of mind and filled me up with positive energy. At some point in the day, MySelf tried to remind me to stick to the moment, and let any thoughts wandering and dissolving by themselves. I remember my husband trying to calm me down by saying that we might have difficulties in the beginning as we begin a new life in Australia, but he was convinced that we had taken the right move for the long run. That was enough assurance that both of us were responsible for taking this step from the start, and none of us would back down and leave another when things get messy.

Over the Rainbow

Think The Universe is too kind to me!
😉
The past few days I have had a lot of thoughts that caused emotional spins. I went to sleep very late while having to wake up in the morning except in the weekend. Even though I’d got enough sleep I woke up feeling lost and empty. This morning before I went to sleep around 1:30 AM, I told myself I was tired of being in uncertainties and feeling suspended in time. I wanted it to stop, and to be happy and full of optimism. I asked the Universe for a sign: If I see a rainbow in the morning, then I know I am okay, I am walking on the right path to the right direction, all in the while proving that my pessimistic thoughts and worries that have eaten my sanity away are all wrong. I had wishes and I wanted to see them happened but once in a while I felt lost and needed to find a signpost. I might be crazy or delusional (or psychic), but I understand the fact that we don’t spot rainbow everyday, let alone “on request”, which makes it an almost perfect sign from the Universe to ask for. And I also know that throughout my whole life, I see rainbow more frequently on Fiji sky, perhaps due to its climate. Nevertheless one can never be able to predict its arrival on the sky, can’t you?

I woke up with tired eyes this morning. The sun showed up with its brightest smile, after being absent the whole days throughout last week. When I was snuggling and huggling with hubby, I remembered hours ago I asked the Universe for a rainbow. When I was preparing for breakfast, I told myself, “Never mind, I was sleepy and dreaming about seeing a rainbow today … It will not happen just because I asked for it … it doesn’t matter that much as my life will go on anyway … ” then I thought I might be seeing one when I pass Pacific Harbour this afternoon, on our way to Nadi (which is four-hours drive away from Suva) … but rainbow will not appear in the afternoon unless it’s raining … will it rain or not rain … bla bla bla. Well, whatever.

When I was driving my hubby to the office at around 8:40 AM, just a few hundred meters away from home when I was sliding on a road curve, I heard my husband gasped, “Wow!”. I tilted my head up to the sky and … there it was, a rainbow in front of us! A beautiful rainbow with a shiny magnificent arc against the backdrop of a clear blue sky. I only saw a quarter rainbow arc but it sent a chill down my spine and up to my head and for a split second I lost my breath. It HAPPENED! The sign! The confirmation! I was speechless and felt some things were crushed and disintegrated in my head …

After I calmed down I told my husband that last night I told my self I wanted to see a rainbow … and it happened just like that! He didn’t say a word and I returned my focus to the road while discussing other things.

When I was strolling alone to downtown Suva afterwards, I sobbed and quietly expressed my gratitude to My Maker for the small miracle, and for showing me love and compassion. Afterwards, I saw another faint coloured rainbow on the beach! Whoa … Our Maker was winking at me!

New Search (1)

The time has come for us to find a home in Australia and move on to the next life phase. We will embark on a five-day trip to Sydney this week to inspect some houses. We have lots of expectations, heaps and heaps of work to do, including (possibly) moving our home base from Kuala Lumpur to Sydney, in order to fully settle down as Australian residents. I have begun to feel the pressure — though nobody gives any pressure whatsoever. But, well, I told myself and my husband to do it in steps, and we have really started with baby steps. I get jittery whenever I am reminded of these new endeavours. I told my beloved I am nervous and scared, since this is the first time I am about to migrate and start a new life in a foreign country. I really depend on him in everything like purchasing house, car, moving etc since he’s more experienced in this kind of adventure. I am so grateful that I have him to go through this. I just want to be strong, a bit more patient, and remain sane at the same time …

Energy

I just finished another episode of Ghost Lab on Discovery Channel this evening. Titled “Smell of Fear”, the team went to investigate paranormal activities in Liar’s Club in Chicago and the Mortuary in New Orleans. Check out the video here.

Here are some interesting points from the series so far:

1> During the first investigation in Chicago, the investigators discussed about “energy imprint” theory. According to this theory, energies that emanate from intense emotions or thoughts (eg those resulted from violence such as homicide) would be imprinted in the surrounding environment and become residual.  An “unhealthy” house that has traces of residual negative energies may affect the residents’ physical and psychological beings.

2> With some triggers (such as fear, hatred, or anger), residual energy could spark paranormal activity (eg. haunting).

3> The residual energy, and the subsequent paranormal activity, can be scientifically measured (eg. electromagnetic field, temperature etc) and evidenced (eg. photograph).

4> (I just learn from this episode that) all of these issues are studied in parapsychology.

And here’s my take on these matters:

1> I suddenly recalled various life experiences, including this, and my own understandings that my previous living environments were heavily polluted by negativity. These toxic pollutants *unfortunately* came from living human, including myself.

2> We should be prudent and perceptive in choosing our living environment. Some places zap our energy faster than others: for no apparent reason we may get exhausted pretty fast, or emotionally disruptive/ aggressive/ violent and therefore prevent us from being productive and helpful to other people. Talk about feng shui to balance our energy with those in our environment.

3> We should be mindful of our thoughts and deeds. Don’t pollute our environment with our negativity. What Buddha Gautama said centuries ago about Noble Eightfold Path does make sense 😉

4> Psychic is no-nonsense.

Otherwise, there are a lot more to learn about these matters … including understanding my own (possible) psychic ability, something that I have yet to come to terms with.